


pillowtalks we never had

by falloutjoon



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, One Shot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexual Content, Unhealthy Relationships, marupok si young k
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27614612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutjoon/pseuds/falloutjoon
Summary: where younghyun recalls how he learnt love from someone he was meant to lose.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K & Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 8





	pillowtalks we never had

**Author's Note:**

> a commissioned work for @indefinablekid.
> 
> check out the other works by the other participating authors included in writing for a cause below. °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°  
> https://twitter.com/jhingness/status/1328386858204553217?s=20
> 
> ＊＊＊ - time skips!

I.

Younghyun hides his head between his hands and groans. 

It had just dawned on him that he had willingly wasted a good Tuesday night that was arguably better off spent catching up on his research backlogs and finally getting started on his master thesis, for this ‘gathering’, a weekend excuse for graduate students to get wasted whilst regretting their enrollment. But as much as Younghyun was born and raised to be a contributing member of academia like his parents, he was also entrusted by his best friend’s parents to care and maintain their son’s wellbeing, in exchange for a place to stay at.

And as much as he yearns to run off straight home and rest his feet from the constraints of his oxfords, he can’t, because Wonpil is nowhere to be found, and he’s still in too much educational debt to shoulder the rent alone. So he gets up from the couch that’s been swallowing his lower body full for the past hour, and starts to look for his (hopefully) conscious friend.

After having no luck in the first floor of the house, he ventured to the stairs. He wasn’t looking forward to it, blame the numerous times through some of high school to college where he’d search for a bathroom or a bed to lay in and accidentally stumble upon a couple mid-coitus. Younghyun cringes at the memory. 

That’s why he was more than relieved to see his best friend, clearly drunk, leaning against a wall to support himself up. Pil, upon seeing him, thought he had his balance on check and leaned forward, slurring Younghyun’s name and enveloping him in a hug. “My friend. I’ve missed you.”

The impact of Pil’s body weight on his made Younghyun grunt and release a sigh, “Yeah, yeah. Let’s get you home now, alright?” He gives his friend’s back a few pats.

“Surely, my friend. But,” Wonpil pauses.

“But what?” Younghyun, with creased eyebrows, attempts to maneuver Pil around and to the stairs.

“I need to--.” He was answered with a heave that swept his friend’s body and Younghyun’s eyes widen as he panics. 

“Okay, fuck-- Pil, I love you but don’t you dare puke on me.”

“S-sorry,” Pil breathes raggedly, “Bathroom. Fast.”

Younghyun had to act fast. He slings Wonpil’s arm over his shoulders and walks--no, semi-drags him to the nearest bathroom. Thank heavens that the one at the end of the hallway was vacant.

Once inside, he guided his beloved best friend to where the toilet is, and let him do what he has to do there. As the guttural sounds started, he turned his back to give Pil some sense of privacy to deal with his predicaments and let out a heavy breath. Goddamn, he definitely needed to make up for the weeks he didn’t bother working out because of schoolwork.

However, his small moment of peace was interrupted by a similar sounding commotion that was nearing the door of the bathroom. A few seconds later, he was faced with a clearly stressed out girl dragging her drunk friend in. She and Younghyun shared an apologetic look before she let out a curse as her friend heaved again as a warning. “Fuck, wait for a bit, Rae.” 

Wonpil’s nowhere near done throwing up, so Younghyun gestures for the next best option— the bathtub. The girl looks at him in panic and disgust for a bit but with another heave and possibly the first with puke on the way, Younghyun helps her guide her friend to the tub, just in time.

And with the sounds of their friends throwing up as background music, Younghyun meets Keiko for the first time.

＊＊＊

1:45 am

unknown number: hey thanks again for tonight :)

me: ??? this is?

unknown number: oh lol it’s keiko, u helped me earlier carry rae to the tub haha

me: oh, haha hi. you’re welcome :) what a way to meet tho lol

me: where’d u get my # tho? i forgot to give it 2 u when we left

keiko: i have my ways ;) good night mr chaperone! remind wonpil to go easy next time haha

me: hmm aight ms stalker have a good night :p

＊＊＊

7: 12 am 

me: wake up sleepyhead, breakfast is ready

me: kei? where r u? 

kei: hey sorry late reply i just got home

me: oh

kei: ..i told you last night i can't stay long :( 

me: :(( well, i guess i forgot

kei: hyun.. 

me: look, kei. i know you don't want to be in a relationship atm and i get that

but i just don't want it to seem like im that kind of guy whose only in it for sex 

kei: i know you aren't hyun

you're a great man and before all this you've always been a good friend

but the guy that's in it for sex is what i only have space for rn. you know that

me: okay

kei: hyun, if this setup isn't for you, you can always..

me: no. i'm okay with this. sorry i asked

kei: :( 

heading off soon. i hear him downstairs.

me: he's back already? i thought he gets here tomorrow? 

kei: i thought so too. fuck

me: but pil's bday tom :/

kei: … i'll try to drop by :( but tell him i'm sorry :(( i'll make it up to him i promise!

The wave of emotions that Younghyun kept swallowing down during the conversation catches up with him finally. He casts his phone on the side and burrows his head on his hands. _What on earth has he gotten himself into?_

"Fuck," he hears Wonpil curse somewhere. "Can't you let me eat breakfast in peace?"

"That wasn't even for you." Younghyun mutters.

"Yeah," his friend pauses and sips on his glass of milk. "But she's not here to eat it, isn't she? Would be a waste if no one does."

"Go piss on someone else today, Pil. Not in the mood."

Pil chuckles in response. Lifting his head, he sees his roommate perched on their kitchen counter, feasting off the food that he woke up early to cook for Keiko. _Whatever, what a waste of time._

"Bro," Wonpil says in a more serious tone. "I told you, get a grip on yourself. You're starting to get off track."

When he's met with silence, Wonpil continues, "We've all told you before that hooking up with Keiko's tricky, as I'd imagine hooking up with betrothed women would be intensely so, but you told me you could handle it."

Younghyun slides himself off the chair he sat on and walks towards the fridge to get a glass of cold water, something to wake himself up. He throws him an annoyed look, "Who said I couldn't? I just made her breakfast since we skipped dinner last night. I don't know why you're making it such a big of a deal, Pil. It's just food."

"Okay then."

And with that, Younghyun grabs all of the thoughts and feelings containing Keiko and locks them all in a chest at the back of his mind. _Not today, not ever._

II.

＊＊＊

1:30 am

kei: hey

ik we're not okay and you told me not to bother u bc you're studying 

but i really need someone rn. please

please let me come over, hyunie i dont know where else to go 

me: where are you? i'll pick you up

kei: no need im outside 

pls hurry up its cold

"Why the hell would you go out in the night without any layers, Keiko? Do you want to get sick?" Younghyun grumbles, but hurriedly wraps her shivering figure with a blanket. 

With his arms momentarily around her, Keiko leans forward and burrows her face at the crook of his neck to get closer and get warmth. Younghyun tightens his grip automatically, as if his own limbs have a mind of their own and act upon actions that they always seem to do when she's this close to him. 

He hates it—acting upon impulse, losing sense and control. Yet no one could really tell or have the foresight when it comes to Keiko; not even her friends, her own husband, nor Younghyun himself. It's one of the many tricks she has on people, and as much as it may be exciting for her, it scares the shit out of him. 

Because he could still hear Wonpil's disappointed voice telling him to stop lying to himself when he says that he has no feelings for Kei as she starts murmuring sweet apologies to his ear and peppering small kisses to his neck, breaking his stoic façade into pieces.

He knows he doesn't have feelings for her more than lust as he lightly grabs her shoulders so he could look at her face for consent, and no words would be spoken but he sees the same lust reflected in her eyes so he goes in for the kiss.

He knows what he's up to as the kiss gets deeper, with hands wounded up in hair and pawing off worn clothing, feet directing them to where his bed was from memory; because he's had her so many times yet the taste of him in her mouth always gets washed out by the bitter taste of alcohol and lies that he's desperate to leave his mark on her so that _he_ , and everyone that saw Keiko would know who fucks her senseless and leaves her content every night she comes over.

He knows that this is what she only wants and nothing more as she lays on his bed, surrounded in all his, bare and aching for something he only could give. He hovers over her and teases with touches to elicit breathy and needy moans from her pretty, pretty mouth, and continues his work, marking up every span of skin he could see with his mouth and his hands, and she loves it, every single moment of it, judging by her nails dragging on his back. 

He knows that she could disappear with _him_ any time and that he has no hold on her whatsoever, so he pauses when he's next to the part where she needed to feel him most. He wanted to hear her say it, loud and clear for both of them to remember, that he's the only one who could make her feel spent like this, the only one she'll remember the days after with the dull ache she feels while moving, and the only name she'll grow hoarse saying as she asks for more. And she does it, every single time, because she's a slave to her wants and desires; so he dives in, and doesn't stop until she begs him to.

He knows that there could be someone else, or someone new, so when she drags him up again and brazenly asks for his cock, he kisses her pretty mouth and foul words away, to prove that no one else could treat her like he does, no one could fill her up like he does; and as he pounds deeper, he swallows her moans and gasps, filled with intent of owning and releasing.

He knows that she might not ever feel the same way as him, so he holds her tight as their bodies get closer and closer to the brink, almost as if the unknown whispers his heart makes at random parts of days could seep from his skin and to sink into hers. 

A medley of stutters, curses, groans, and breaths cue an end to their act, and maybe also to Younghyun's internal struggle, because basking in afterglow and seeing Keiko smile and laugh in his arms made all the doubts go away.

＊＊＊

The morning after, Younghyun eases into his senses as he wakes up, feeling the warmth of the sun's rays on his bare legs. He lets himself bask in that moment of silence after waking up from a deep slumber, where he knew nothing of his whereabouts nor sins he willingly partakes in or feelings he shouldn't have. He gets fragments of memories from last night and the nights before that; mind fleeting over thoughts of Keiko, and only Keiko. It's strange that his mind gets filled with her lately, must've been because last night was the first night they spent together for a while. _Yeah, that's probably why. No reason for anything else._

Getting up, his attention automatically flies to the empty side of the bed next to him. He wonders what time she woke up and decided to slip away from his grasp and into the night. _Maybe if I could’ve held her closer, then I would’ve felt her leave. I could’ve done absurd things I would never do in broad daylight—like begging for her to stay._ Younghyun scoffs at his own thoughts. Good thing he was the only one who could hear how stupid he sounded.

With an already bad start to his day, he trudges out of his room and towards the kitchen. Pil doesn’t seem to be back from Rae’s, and he’s thankful his best friend isn’t here to laugh and point out the obvious. Younghyun’s not ready for that conversation yet. 

It takes him a while to see anything amiss in the situation unfolding in front of him. A figure sits on the countertop, cradling a cup of something hot, as she gazes at the view of the city slowly waking up to meet the new day through the large kitchen windows. If someone would’ve walked in on them at that very moment, they wouldn’t see anything wrong (other than the mismatched socks Keiko hastily threw on to avoid the cold floor), just a couple living together. Younghyun envies that privilege strangers have; they could only judge based on what they see on the surface, and that would be enough for them to move on with their life --usually.

_Wait, she stayed._

Younghyun doesn’t realize he has said this aloud until Keiko lets out a small chuckle and sigh. “Yeah, I was too exhausted to wake up early and go.”

He remains silent as he processes the situation again. _She broke the rule she’s made clear since they’ve started with this arrangement months ago. No staying until the morning._ “Um,” she pauses, sounding the least comfortable. “I can leave if you want to.” Keiko sets her cup aside and prepares to jump off the counter when he snaps and stutters, “No, don’t.”

He quickly approaches her and places his hands on her thighs, barely hidden by the black shirt he was wearing last night. He rests his forehead against hers, and with a whisper he adds, “Stay. Please.”

Smiling, she kisses his forehead as a response, melting his insides. It’s funny that no matter how much he’s had her so many times in so many ways, this was one of the rare, intimate moments they’d shared that wasn’t fueled by lust. “I could get used to this,” he says in passing.

“I’m open to the thought, but can you place the edible items lower? I’m hungry but all I could reach was a pack of mothballs.”

“Shortie." Younghyun gets a flick on his forehead for this but he snickers in response, gazing at her lovingly to annoy her more. Keiko whines, mumbling something sounding like an 'but i'm starving' with a pout, probably hoping to urge him to make breakfast, and he just looks at her questionably. After one last attempt of charming, she gives up and grabs his face so he couldn't turn away. "I'll do anything for food."

Wiggling his eyebrows, he teases, "Anything, huh?" She pouts again, causing him to laugh. Younghyun purses his lips exaggeratedly, wanting just a kiss in return, and Keiko gives him what he asked for instantly.

What was intended to be a soft peck got deeper with the presence of tongues, but Younghyun hears his stomach rumble and grudgingly breaks the kiss. "Let's go to the market real quick to get some stuff." 

"But I didn't bring clothes to wear."

"You can use mine, you look good in them anyway."

＊＊＊

He gives himself pinches every once in a while as he and Keiko go through the grocery store together, with her arm loosely entwined with his. This doesn't feel real. This feels like something he'd daydream about during an acid trip. That's why he needed a reminder, pain, to know that it is happening, and he shouldn't fuck it up.

Much like his thoughts earlier, they seemed like a normal couple doing domestic errands. Granted that he's still a little bit jumpy, checking every aisle they go into to see if anyone would recognize her and remembering where the entrances and exits are so they could sneak out unnoticed. It was the first time they'd went out in daylight. Younghyun was used to the dark, cavernous cinemas, barely illuminating club lights, dim lamp posts in alleyways at night; these were places he felt like he was unstoppable with his girl, doing whatever and being loud as he pleased, as if he'd done convincing himself that the dark was the only way he could be enough for Keiko.

"Hey, calm down," she nudges his side, sensing his discomfort. "We drove an hour to find the most deserted Walmart you can find. No one will recognize us here, yeah?" She rubs comforting circles at his back and Younghyun lets himself feel a little bit at ease. 

"What are you talking about? I'm just worried that they don't sell elbow macaroni here for your sopas."

"Sure," Keiko says, unconvinced, but takes it to end the conversation which he's thankful for. _Stop ruining good things, Younghyun._

The rest of the day goes on smoothly. They got all the ingredients and set off to work when they got home. Younghyun asks Kei to boil up the pasta as he chops up the vegetables, only to find out that she barely knew what pot to use. "Is this your first time cooking?" He teases.

"Yeah, stop laughing about it."

"Wait, really? Not even a hotdog? An egg?"

"I can do the ramen thing, okay."

"But you only add water and the powder to that and wait."

"Okay, you seem like you got everything in check, I'll go take some nap while you cook. Bye!"

"No, I'm joking, come back! I'll teach you how to chop carrots so you can be a full fledged housewife." Younghyun instantly regrets saying this as soon as the words came out of his mouth. _What was his deal? Why does he keep ruining this fantasy of a day for himself?_

Kei gives him the middle finger but nudges him aside to grab a knife. "Show me how it's done, chef."

After eating, they went out to a faraway mall to get a picnic blanket so they could go to the park for the evening. Younghyun picks up the first one he could find when he notices Kei wasn't beside her anymore.

"Kei?"

Baffled, he pays for the blanket quickly and goes out of the store to find where she went. He tries to suppress any bad thought of someone knowing who she was by replaying what she said earlier to him, _no one knows us here._ He gets a glimpse of his tan polo that she wore as a cover-up two stores down and he takes this as a cue to start calming down. 

The closer he gets, the clearer her image was. She was just standing idly next to the glass window of a jewelry store, admiring something displayed. When he finally reaches her, his plans of tickling her side dissipates as he gets a closer look at what she left him for to check. It was a beautiful necklace with a unique kaleidoscope tanzanite pendant. 

Younghyun recalls one instance this exact same event happened, but with him being towed by his dad. They'd found his mom admiring a kitchenware set before they went home. The next day after, his dad picked him up at school and brought him to the mall, where they got the set, had it giftwrapped and placed it on the kitchen counter for his mom to see when she got home from work. Younghyun could still vividly remember how happy his mom looked when she saw it. He made it a point to do the same thing to his partner, if he'd ever learn how to have one, because he knew how special it'd be for them.

So making no mention of it, he tickles Kei and they head off to the park to rest. When they got settled and Kei was preoccupied by a fashion magazine she'd brought, Younghyun fishes out his phone and searches up the necklace to see how much it cost. Seeing the price made him just put his phone back in his pocket. Letting his eyes trail onto Kei's relaxed posture, he wonders to himself, _will spending thousands of dollars buy me more times like these with you?_ He remembers a story Kei told him in passing, about how she hated how toxic everyone was in her family and their circle that running off with Rae from time to time was the only way for her to breathe and experience the life of most people. _If it's too hard, if it's too draining, why stay?_ Maybe the answer to that could help him win her fully, but a part of him doesn't want to know just yet, for it could break him when he finds out he just couldn't. 

"Hey, lay down here with me." Kei interrupts his thoughts and pats the space next to her. Still troubled, he complies soundlessly.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm not used to.. to this with you. It's like I can't tell if you still want to be with me or you're just stuck." 

"It's funny how you're the one who says that, when that's exactly what I feel." Younghyun chuckles humorlessly.

Keiko faces him and stays silent. He resists the urge to look back, but trains his eyes towards the twilight sky. After a while he says, "The day is almost over. I hope you had fun even though we basically didn't do anything but eat, drive, and shop."

"Well, we did have sex. Don't leave out the best part.

With an apologetic tone, he mumbles, "Yeah, that's the best part." 

"Hey, look at me." Complying, his eyes finally meet hers. They were so easy to get lost in. "I enjoyed today. Doesn't matter what we did, I loved it because I got to spend it with you."

She places her hand on his cheek, and he basks in the warmth of it. 

So the moment Younghyun feels Kei lightly detaching herself from his form hours after their date at the park, he was ready to ask her to stay and to consider leaving her life for the happiness she claims she'd felt when she was with him. He didn't know where this bravery came from, but this time feels right to let her know his feelings—

"What do you want?" Keiko says hastily, she seems to be on the phone with someone so he freezes. It's _him._

"Yeah, and? You expect me to stay in that goddamn house after what you did to me last night?"

A sharp intake of breath. "I was with my prep school friends. Don't bring in other people in this."

"You bought me the what? You're crazy, you know that?"

"Yeah, I'll be home soon. You're still not forgiven though."

And with a whisper, “Love you.”

Younghyun feels her footsteps get farther as she navigates through his dim apartment effortlessly. It's funny how muscle memory works. 

III.

9:45 am

kei: good morningggggg

kei: it's been 3 days pls talk to me :(

kei: here's a pic of me to cheer u up 4 ur exams <3

kei sent a photo.

And there it was, the kaleidoscope necklace resting perfectly at the middle of her collarbones.

Why did the universe deem it fair for someone to look this beautiful while bashing someone's heart into unrecognizable pieces?

Younghyun feels a kick to his shins but it feels so distant now as the sound of his heart thumping fills his ears. 

His phone disappears from his hands in an instant, and he throws Wonpil a glare, to which the latter returns with a middle finger and nudges his head to point discreetly at the exam proctor who was, luckily, distracted in his table.

Younghyun curses under his breath as he realizes he forgot the 10 terms for the enumeration part of the exam.

＊＊＊

rae: exams r fucking done

i need to wash that off my system with alcohol 

you both are obliged to come w me i wont take no as an answer

looking at u kang

pil: stop flooding the groupchat and help me convince hyun

he's being a sadboi

rae: omw

＊＊＊

Younghyun finds himself alone at one corner of the club they decided to spend the night at, with his ears helplessly suffering from the insanely loud music being played. This was the worst time to be separated from his two friends: intoxicated and mad. The night didn’t start off with such a bad note like this. Wonpil and Rae managed to get him out of their apartment and to join them for a promise of getting a _few_ drinks. Given that he was in a snarky mood after the texts and their exams, it wasn’t that bad for him to get into physical altercations— yet. 

Something clicks in his head that he needs more alcohol to forget, so he makes his way towards the bar to get more. To hell with getting home, he wants to forget he even had a functioning head to begin with. As he waited for the bartender to make his orders, Wonpil’s earlier outburst echoes unwarranted in his mind. 

“You become so fucking dense when you choose to and it infuriates me. We never got tired of telling you that she was trouble and wasn’t worth the risk but you still went with it. Do you realize _what_ she is? Why she puts up and stays with her greedy and abusive husband? You let her use you, as if using you could change her mind about you. You’re just someone to fuck. Stop being in denial about it.”

And a drunk Rae's comments, "You're a guy. I find it hard to understand that a man would willingly settle for crumbs of a woman when he could basically find or fuck someone easily and move on. So why can't you just do that and let go?"

It hurt, it fucking hurt, hearing the truth he always knew said by people he trusted wholeheartedly. He wanted to fight back the pain but he knows he doesn’t have the heart to hurt her or his friends. So he stormed off from them and they didn’t trail him which was good. He needed time alone to work on his feelings— badly.

He’s heard it somewhere, that no one can hurt you unless you give them consent to. The only thing he signed up for was the sex, so why did it hurt? Why should it when he could just easily find someone else to fuck? This epiphany sweeps over Younghyun’s body; no, he wasn’t in denial, nothing was to deny. He could just find someone else.

And to find someone else was what he did. It wasn’t that hard to find lonely, bored, and vacant souls in the place he was in. He spots this one girl from a class he’s had before, and a few moments of eyefucking later, she approached him with a knowing smile. So he goes home with her, and intends not to think of anything but himself.

Hours later, he lays spent in an unfamiliar bed and he was frazzled more than ever. When they reached the place of the girl whose name he couldn’t seem to remember at the moment and she’d kissed him when he asked for consent, he saw none of her when he closed his eyes, but of a certain woman he was trying to forget. He ended up taking her from behind, so that he could finish by thinking of _her._ This continued on for the remainder of the night. His desires were sated, but he feels emptier than he was before he went here. 

Was he finally in Keiko’s place? Was she thinking of someone else while she was with him like he just did?

He glances at the stranger beside him, with a few of their limbs tangled together in the sheets, the same position he and Kei were in mere days ago. Even the girl had the same hair color as her. 

He was truly fucked.

＊＊＊

me: pil

me: i’m sorry 

me: for earlier

me: can we talk? i fucked up bad

pil: :) i’m at home

pil: bring some tacobell or im not opening the door

“Damn, you really went to taco bell looking that wasted?”

“I’m crushing your Dorito shells more through the bag as we speak.”

“You monster.”

After twenty years together, the filter between them was non-existent. Sure, there were times Wonpil would wait for a good month or two to mention that he was hooking up with someone new to not jinx it and Younghyun would just pretend he didn’t know beforehand and vise versa, but for the most part, they knew each other like the back of their palms.

As the awkward silence gets somehow occupied by their munching, Younghyun asks, “Tell me the truth I’m denying, Pil.”

Wonpil asks him to rummage through the bag for more fire hot sauce wordlessly. And while casually spreading it on his taco, he says, “You’re in love with Keiko.” 

As if on cue, Younghyun chokes on his quesadilla. “I don’t,” he takes a sip of his Baja blast. “I don’t even know what love feels like, dickbag.”

“You do. You always rant about the,” Pil adds air quotes, “feeling you can’t explain when you’re with her. You drive hours to take her to midnight showings even though hate driving at night because you can’t see shit. You did the groceries instead of waiting for me to do it, just so you can make fucking sopas. You’re always in a good mood whenever you know she’ll come over and in a bad one when she leaves you at night. But you always text back, even though she’ll reply hours after because she’s in some dinner with her husband’s business partners. Why? Because you’re whipped. You love her and you keep denying it because, well, you’re scared, and you’re a dumb fuck.” Wonpil continues to sip his drink nonchalantly, as if he just didn’t mess up his friend’s head. “Can I have your fries?”

Younghyun quietly slides him the fries he ordered for Pil, and his own as well. 

＊＊＊

IV.

unknown number: hyun, it’s me

unknown number: keiko

me: ?

kei: hyunie :(

me: how did you get this number?

kei: i have my ways

me: ..ok. 

kei: :( can we please talk? 

me: we are talking.

kei: no, like talk talk. not talk through text.

me: i’m busy.

kei: you just finished your finals yesterday. 

me: ?? im blocking you.

kei: hyun, please 

kei: i don’t know what happened or what you saw that made you avoid me, but please :( i miss you

kei: i don’t want us to end like this.

me: lol what 'us'

kei: :( 

me: fine. when?

kei: is now a good time?

me: are you serious?

kei: yes im outside

Younghyun sighs as he leans his head on the door of their apartment, closing his eyes. He’s lucky Wonpil was away visiting his parents for the weekend, so he’ll be spared from his friend’s disappointment over his bad decisions for a day or two. But could he really do it, ending everything on his own? He tries his best to recall all the advice he’s been given and all the reasons he could ever need to stay the hell away from Keiko to strengthen his front. He even whispers the most painful one-liners he’s heard from his friends to himself for added impact. It seems as though he’s preparing for war but in reality, he’s just going to break up formally with someone that’s not even his to begin with. 

It’s probably because no matter the amount of time he’d spent without her, he still knows there’s still a chance of him caving in again: forgiving as if nothing happened, and accepting what she can only give and pretending that's all what he deserves in the first place. One of the scariest moments for those new to love, in Younghyun’s opinion, is when someone knows you enough that they know what specific actions to do to get a response from you. They know when’s the right time to bust out a smile, a certain look, say something significant, a word of appreciation to have you melt in a puddle of emotions, feel heard, and give in to do what they want of you. Keiko knew him well enough that he could say yes in a heartbeat, and that scared the shit out of him. 

“Hyun, I know you’re there. Please open up, my feet hurts.”

Even if he couldn’t see her face, he could instantly picture how annoyingly cute she looked like while whining. _You have to finish this,_ he repeats to himself. Here goes nothing. 

Almost all that preparation goes out the window when he opens the door and is met with the woman who roams in his mind without warrant. She didn’t change at all-- still hauntingly beautiful, just like the night they’ve met at the party. If he could go back to that moment, would he change anything?

He watches as her expression melts from troubled, to a certain look of happiness; like that face you make when you finally find your mom or someone you're with after getting lost in a grocery store. That moment of knowing you find a familiar and comforting face among a sea of strangers. _Why do you make it so easy for me to love you?_

She immediately throws herself in his embrace and Younghyun couldn't do anything but to catch her. It almost feels painful how he stops himself from hugging her back and burrowing his face in her neck. _Stop giving her more of you to hurt._

When she notices his lack of response, she lets go and faces him with a confused, pained, and almost desperate look. "Hyunie, I missed you. I really did."

Who was she trying to convince? He stays silent, hoping that none of the emotions he felt would show up. "What do you want to talk about?"

She tries to laugh, "At least let me in, will you? Please?"

Younghyun, against his better wishes, moves aside to let her in. _He swears this would be the last time. ..right?_

With the door safely tucked shut, they were now alone. "Well?" 

"Younghyun, I don't," Kei starts, clearly frustrated. "I want to understand why you're being difficult like this. You can't just stop talking to me and expect me to understand."

"I just found someone I enjoy fucking more than you. That a good enough explanation for you?"

"No." A pause, a breath, a forced laugh. "You're lying, Hyun. I hear it from your voice."

"Why is it so hard to believe that other people could do the things you do, Keiko?" He laughs bitterly. "I now understand why you do it. It's fun; having to think of having your desires sated and nothing more."

"What? Hyun, no, that's not true! I cared—"

"No, it is, you just can't see it because you're so absorbed in your selfishness." He starts to get closer to her with every word he spits out. "To be honest, Kei, I want to be as selfish and heartless as you. It's so tiring to have these fucking feelings cloud my head every time I fuck you."

Tears start welling in her eyes as she tries blinking them away. "Hyun, look at me." He refuses, but she makes him by holding his chin tight. "I cared for you! I don't know how else to prove it to you, but I did! I wouldn't have come back the first night or, or, risked everything I have if I didn't have feelings for you." Keiko says between sobs. "Please. I can't lose you like this." 

"But?"

He waits for an answer. "But.. what?"

"You know what I mean, Keiko." His voice finally cracks. He knew she understood, and he also knew the reason why, but he needed to hear it from her mouth.

 _What's holding you back?_ Her eyes and hands that were grasping his face falls when she finally realizes his question. 

"Hyun, I can't," she sobs. And he finally lets his tears go. 

"Is it because of the money? The life he gives you? God fucking damnit, Keiko, I'll work my ass off to give it to you and so much more," Younghyun spits out in anger and desperation. "Because I love you!"

She slowly looks at him, and he could see how pained she was in saying this. "You can't," she whispers. "My family's life depends on this marriage, Hyun."

He knows she's explaining but he's too preoccupied by the pain he felt hearing it from her directly. No more guessing, no more skirting around it. Keiko didn't choose him because he couldn't afford to give her the life she wanted.

"I can give you everything I have and don't have, but you'd still ask for more." 

Keiko shakes her head in disbelief, but says nothing. _Fuck._

They stay silent for so long, with all their cards on the table and free for taking but no one makes a move to do anything.

The two figures find themselves soundlessly walking towards the front door. Younghyun takes the knob and opens it but refuses to make eye contact. Keiko steps out to leave, and he feels like he has to say something, _anything_ before she disappears but his words fail him. 

But to his surprise, Keiko, mirroring his bloodshot eyes, turns to him and says, "Since everything's out in the open, and this probably is the last time I'll ever see you, can you please kiss me?"

That was all he needed. He pulls her to him and places his lips against hers, and their last time feels just like the first time.

＊＊＊

Younghyun slowly comes into consciousness as he feels something warm and smooth press against his forehead. He feels a weight leave the bed, hears the telltale sounds of her feet padding across the carpeted floor, and momentarily sees half of his room get illuminated by the hallway light as she exits through his door for the last time. 

And Younghyun does nothing but let love linger and leave quietly into the night.


End file.
